Supposed to be studying but I decided to type this cause it's really stuck on my head. It's not some random rant or what, but somehow I feel like I know why I felt so burdened for sooo long already! If you look back last year, sometime during exchange I started saying that I had so many things on my mind and being cranky in the posts that I made like.. once every few weeks. But I didn't start feeling like that during exchange, it was before that, and I've got no idea how long ago it was when I first felt my sinking heart.

Hehehe warning first: Probably my longest thoughtpost here. But it's just my own opinion :)

To be honest, back then I thought the only burden I had was my own mixed feelings; actually I guess it's not. I have a lot of things that made my heart feel so burdened, and for so many months as well. Though I'm happy and cheery on the outside, there were many instances when I felt so burdened. Like my heart feels super heavy and I got no idea why I felt like that. Which was probably why I wasn't genuinely happy sometimes though I'm laughing, smiling and being all chattery, and why sad events tend to hit my heartstrings so often that I feel sensitive, upset and teary pretty easily. (but I cannot deny but there were moments when I was really happy, you can hear it easily from my scary, high-pitched, clear laughter!!) And I guess it was my own fault that I didn't seek to listen to what my heart has to say - why it felt like that.

Up till yesterday, I was still blogging, ranting as usual because I felt so frustrated that I always have a heavy heart. I thought by my typing whatever I felt or what I believe to be the root cause would help, even attempted doing things to help me clear my mind, or keep me occupied if need be. I know it's not a permanent solution because after keeping myself occupied, once I had free time everything would hit right back at my heart... And I would have the same burdened feeling again,

Then I'll start ranting/blogging again, hoping it would help... Until it became a vicious cycle. But I know it was not useful when no matter how much I rant I can never feel the satisfaction that I used to have. I find it hard to tell people because I always find it so difficult to trust people, and I don't want to tell them everything and then end with "actually I don't know why I'm feeling like that leh how." It's as though being frustrated on your own is not enough, you still have to disturb people. True that there'll be people who will listen but.. No I don't want to feel like a burden to people. Why waste their time telling them things which they cannot solve as well. I angst, everybody angst, not worth it.

But after trying to listen to my heart and seeking answers for the past few weeks, I kind of understand why I felt like that. Really thankful that I talked to people, listening to their stories or funny events that sort of triggered it - Guess I have to thank Aaron for sure though we didn't really have HTHT. Listening to your story, why you wanted to take a solo trip so badly - it made me realize that probably I should do the same, throw everything aside and have some alone time, like really alone time with myself with no one else to influence me, Listen to what my heart has to say and find a way to make it feel better. I tried, planning to swim, run or even cycle alone but it failed cause I didn't make it there. But I did have time for myself at the library. Though I went there with the intention to study, I would spare time to walk around the library enjoy the peace and serenity, and to think about stuff, alone.

Reminiscence about those older days when I'm truly happy - especially during my secondary school days. I was really busy, probably having an insane schedule that no one would ever experience. Having tuition on almost every weekday evenings, choir on certain days before tuition and Saturdays (and rushing there after all my committee meetings), having violin lessons after my tuition at 8 on Tuesdays and going home feeling so tired at 10 plus, piano lessons on Friday afternoon before going tuition. Yes it's really stressful because I have to juggle so many things on my plate - completing my homework, finding time to practise my instruments, and also gaming. Yes I was into gaming then, one reason being some of my closer secondary school friends are playing too - I don't have time in the day to hang out with them, so this was one of our ways to keep our friendships there. And also I had my online circle of friends who are older than me and often looked out for me, sometimes even accompanying me by training alone while I studied.

Busy? Yes.
Stressful? Yes. How much sleep have I sacrificed for work and play.
But I was really happy then cause I was doing everything that I liked, being who I am without being concerned much. Didn't have much of a life anyway. :P

Comparing times then and now, it doesn't really make sense that I'm less happy.
Busy? Definitely a lot less packed than before.
Stressful? Yes but the pressure from studies is definitely a lot lesser compared to previous semesters other than the time when I was in Taiwan.

Why I was I unhappy? What am I lacking that's making me uncontented? The second trigger point was when I was watching running man, and the day when Kary, Weishan and I were just goofing around and joking around... But those were the times when I really laughed out loud, and it was a genuine one cause I was chuckling out pretty loudly while waiting for my train and when I was on board as well. It was when I really felt happy. And looking at the guests who attended running man also brought up an important point...

I felt so burdened because I have been living in the expectations of others - doing what others expect of me instead of living the life for myself.

The guests were hilarious, but the more important thing was that they were being down to earth and not caring about the image that they should have.

I realized the main pressure on me were these expectations, and how hard I had been trying to live up to them and feeling so burdened in the process. Like because I'm always smiling and cheery, people gets the painted image that I'm always happy, and I try so hard not to say things which may sound like it's not me. Bottling things up made things worse as they weigh my heart down even further.

However, I'm glad that I realized it, better late than never. And giving up study time to do things that made me LOL was definitely worth it cause I feel a lot less burdened now. I shall stop living in the picture depicted by others, time to start doing crazy things that I do best HAHA. Like...

Randomly dancing to the songs being played on the tv, saying stupid things doing stupid stuffs and get judged, etc. HAHAHA cannot forget the times back in bintan when I was so me - bouncing to the beats while singing k (I realised I did tt for cheerdancing practices omg the videos lol!), giving out that scary laughter when the music video is not the actual one but some weird video, and the epic Saboteur match when I got trolled so badly cause only the saboteurs saw the map card and when I see it I was like OMG WHY Y'ALL GO IN THE DIRECTION THAT DOES NOT LEAD TO THE GOLD, and instantly got blocked by everyone cause they thought I was lying LOL. Really laughed so hard till I cried HA. Time to be the real Debbie, someone who's always so tootz and crazy and... blur. Hehehe :))))

Ending my post abruptly cause I'm tired! Why did I challenge my bro to dance to the songs that were played on the screen. And my body clock is screwed, I'd wake up at 2 later. Must not do work and just go sleeep!!