Not sure if its just me but I've been having signs of being overly stressed out even before the actual peak. There were times when I really just want to not give any shit but remorse/guilt strikes back at the very next morning.

People tell me that I should just relax a little, take less work, etc. But the truth is I haven't been taking much new client work. Most of them are recurring because of the 3-year documentation cycle but I can't simply switch out of my engagement because I was the minion then and I'm the senior now (and not the preparer). It's my second year being a senior and though I'm moving towards a pure reviewer role, I face more pressure from both the top and bottom roles. And sometimes, I just have no time to clear something that had been outstanding for the longest time ever. And it's my fault (and will always be my fault) when I cannot deliver. 

And I do get other signs, like:

(I) Fear of checking emails outside of working hours. It got worse with the citrix app cause the notification of xx unread emails just stresses me out whenever the notification icon pops out if I receive any new mail.

(II) Fear of getting comments which may suggest that my work was not the best that I could have done

(III) Fear of getting random chasers, both internal and external. Like if I really don't have the time, I can stay up till 3/4/5am once but I can't do that for the whole week just to meet timelines and expectations

(IV) Inertia to get myself to work / focus sometimes

(V) Bringing  work home but ended up not being able to clear anything, but yet leaving all the lights / TV on while I KO on the sofa

(VI) "Writer's block" where I have something in my mind but I just cannot put words into my reports.

The easiest tell tale sign was that I was obviously missing out alot on family, friends and me-time. I'm in office from 9-11.30 usually and when I'm home it became a habit to just bathe / work / sleep (and some TV sometimes if I get lucky)

I wanna go on leave, but ironically every time I mention this, people will tell me that I've gone on leave this year already.. And it's just my 1-week Japan trip with K and 5-day cruise with my family. And before anyone throw shit at me, I've to mention that I didn't get any leave right up till I leave for airport (or when I did take leave I actually went back to office still). And both were in May.

And while I did some other days off (to leave only 5 AL to carry over and to not make it seem like I wasted all of my TOIL), I'm either in office or working from home.

It just struck me real hard recently cause I've never rested and it's just going downhill from here. Official leave block has been announced so.. :(

Even if I want to leave, where can I go?

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End if rant. Hopefully I get to clear my work till 3? If not I really think I'll be in trouble next week :(

And I've got another draft post which I never had the chance to update... I hope I can do that after peak!

Throwback to the last time when I actually got the chance to spend some time out with my family. :')